Makes you proud doesn't it...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Jokes about women
What are the differences between a woman and a tornado?
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???
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…
None, both of them end up leaving with the house!
Why do men choose to have wives who cry all the time without reason, and who take 3 hours to get dressed?
…
???
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- They do not choose; all of them are the same!
The small boy asks has his father:
- “Dad, when I came into the world, who gave me my intelligence?”
- “It is surely your mother, because me, I still have mine.”
On a golf green, one guy has already spent 5 minutes calculating his next swing, looking in the distance, then looking at his ball, attempting to measure the expanse between them, trying to calculate the speed and the direction of the wind.
Inevitably, his game partners are irritated:
“My gosh! What on earth are you deciding to do? Are you going to swing or not?!”
The guy who wants to impress his wife answers: “My wife is over there watching me from the club-house. I want that my swing is perfect!”
One of his buddies answers him:
“Err well, if you want my opinion, you are not that likely to strike her with your ball from this distance!”
A sergeant asks 2 officers:
- What would you do in a jeep if a helicopter were chasing after you?
The first answers:
- I’d take out a bazooka and then aim at the helicopter.
The second answers:
- I’d imitate the women; I’d use the left indicator and then turn right.
A pretty blonde seems very excited while she is waiting in the offices of a lawyer. Without taking the time to sit down, she asks:
“It is true that if I divorce, I will obtain possession of half the goods of my husband?”
“If one manages the situation well, answers the lawyer, yes, it is possible. Why, are you thinking of divorcing?”
“Not yet, the blonde answers. Initially I must find my husband.”
Why did NASA send a woman in space?
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???
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Because it’s less heavy than a dishwasher!
Which are the perfect measurements for a woman?
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???
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Answer: 90,50,41
(90 years old, 50 million in bank, 41°C of fever)
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???
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None, both of them end up leaving with the house!
Why do men choose to have wives who cry all the time without reason, and who take 3 hours to get dressed?
…
???
…
…
…
- They do not choose; all of them are the same!
The small boy asks has his father:
- “Dad, when I came into the world, who gave me my intelligence?”
- “It is surely your mother, because me, I still have mine.”
On a golf green, one guy has already spent 5 minutes calculating his next swing, looking in the distance, then looking at his ball, attempting to measure the expanse between them, trying to calculate the speed and the direction of the wind.
Inevitably, his game partners are irritated:
“My gosh! What on earth are you deciding to do? Are you going to swing or not?!”
The guy who wants to impress his wife answers: “My wife is over there watching me from the club-house. I want that my swing is perfect!”
One of his buddies answers him:
“Err well, if you want my opinion, you are not that likely to strike her with your ball from this distance!”
A sergeant asks 2 officers:
- What would you do in a jeep if a helicopter were chasing after you?
The first answers:
- I’d take out a bazooka and then aim at the helicopter.
The second answers:
- I’d imitate the women; I’d use the left indicator and then turn right.
A pretty blonde seems very excited while she is waiting in the offices of a lawyer. Without taking the time to sit down, she asks:
“It is true that if I divorce, I will obtain possession of half the goods of my husband?”
“If one manages the situation well, answers the lawyer, yes, it is possible. Why, are you thinking of divorcing?”
“Not yet, the blonde answers. Initially I must find my husband.”
Why did NASA send a woman in space?
…
???
…
…
Because it’s less heavy than a dishwasher!
Which are the perfect measurements for a woman?
…
???
Publish Post
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…
…
Answer: 90,50,41
(90 years old, 50 million in bank, 41°C of fever)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
More Police Jokes
A drunken man leaves a bar; he meets a police officer on horseback.
He says to him: “Stop & walk your dog.”
The police officer answers:
“It is not a dog, it is a horse.”
The drunk answers him:
“I wasn’t speaking to you.”
“Hello police, I have just crushed a chicken, what do I have to do next?
- Eh well, pluck and make it cook it at gas mark 6.
- Ok, good, and what should I do with the motorbike? “
There were three young people who wanted to enroll in the army. The colonel called to the first to approach him and started to ask him these questions:
- How old are you?
-28 my colonel.
- How much do you weigh?
-130 my colonel.
- Have you already used the gun or rifle?
them 2 my colonel.
This one passed the test successfully. The second and the third was a little nervous and were required to be re-questioned by another colonel. The second says to him: Firstly it is 28 my colonel then 130 my colonel and finally it’s 2 my colonel. The third then moved towards the colonel & the colonel asked him:
- How much do you weigh?
-28 my colonel.
- How old are you?
-130 my colonel.
- What do you take me for, an imbecile or an idiot?
them 2 my colonel.
The telephone sounds at the general headquarter of the FBI:
- “Hello.”
- “Hello, it is well with the Police?”
- “Yes. What do you want?”
- “I invite you to visit my neighbor Tom. I have reason to believe his hiding place for marijuana is in his firewood…”
- “It is noted.”
The following day, the police arrive at the house of Tom.
They look around until they find where the firewood is kept. They split each log, but do not find any marijuana. They give up, frustrated at being called for nothing.
The telephone sounds at Tom.
- “Hey, Tom! Did the police come?”
- “yep!”
- “They did cut your firewood?”
- “Yes they did it.”
- “OK, I figure it is your turn to call them next.
I need to plow my garden… “
He says to him: “Stop & walk your dog.”
The police officer answers:
“It is not a dog, it is a horse.”
The drunk answers him:
“I wasn’t speaking to you.”
“Hello police, I have just crushed a chicken, what do I have to do next?
- Eh well, pluck and make it cook it at gas mark 6.
- Ok, good, and what should I do with the motorbike? “
There were three young people who wanted to enroll in the army. The colonel called to the first to approach him and started to ask him these questions:
- How old are you?
-28 my colonel.
- How much do you weigh?
-130 my colonel.
- Have you already used the gun or rifle?
them 2 my colonel.
This one passed the test successfully. The second and the third was a little nervous and were required to be re-questioned by another colonel. The second says to him: Firstly it is 28 my colonel then 130 my colonel and finally it’s 2 my colonel. The third then moved towards the colonel & the colonel asked him:
- How much do you weigh?
-28 my colonel.
- How old are you?
-130 my colonel.
- What do you take me for, an imbecile or an idiot?
them 2 my colonel.
The telephone sounds at the general headquarter of the FBI:
- “Hello.”
- “Hello, it is well with the Police?”
- “Yes. What do you want?”
- “I invite you to visit my neighbor Tom. I have reason to believe his hiding place for marijuana is in his firewood…”
- “It is noted.”
The following day, the police arrive at the house of Tom.
They look around until they find where the firewood is kept. They split each log, but do not find any marijuana. They give up, frustrated at being called for nothing.
The telephone sounds at Tom.
- “Hey, Tom! Did the police come?”
- “yep!”
- “They did cut your firewood?”
- “Yes they did it.”
- “OK, I figure it is your turn to call them next.
I need to plow my garden… “
Friday, October 23, 2009
Parking Ticket
The other day, I left from the local bakery and I see a police motorcyclist writing a parking ticket.
I approached and said to him:
- “I was only five minutes in the bakery. Can't you forget this infringement? ”
He totally ignores me and continues to write.
- “Bloody idiot just making a nuisance”, I cannot prevent myself from saying to him.
And then he starts to write another ticket for absence of a reflective plate in front of the vehicle.
My blood makes starts to boil and I start a tirade of abuse :
- “Pig, government Nazi agent, cockroach, scum bucket, fart of cow, impotent, illiterate, hemorrhoidal piece of arse wipe…”
Ah, there, I used the richness of my vocabulary well.
My outburst continues fifteen minutes, and the cop, completely unwavering, continues to put fines under the windscreen wiper so much so that there was practically no more room on the windshield.
I noted that for all my outrage, everything I said lead to nothing and I decided to throw in the towel.
… Then I quietly walked to my car, parked two streets away.
I approached and said to him:
- “I was only five minutes in the bakery. Can't you forget this infringement? ”
He totally ignores me and continues to write.
- “Bloody idiot just making a nuisance”, I cannot prevent myself from saying to him.
And then he starts to write another ticket for absence of a reflective plate in front of the vehicle.
My blood makes starts to boil and I start a tirade of abuse :
- “Pig, government Nazi agent, cockroach, scum bucket, fart of cow, impotent, illiterate, hemorrhoidal piece of arse wipe…”
Ah, there, I used the richness of my vocabulary well.
My outburst continues fifteen minutes, and the cop, completely unwavering, continues to put fines under the windscreen wiper so much so that there was practically no more room on the windshield.
I noted that for all my outrage, everything I said lead to nothing and I decided to throw in the towel.
… Then I quietly walked to my car, parked two streets away.
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