Sunday, June 28, 2009
More Police Jokes
Ok, they're not that funny but I'm doing my best!
A police officer stops a voluptuous motorist:
- You know that speed is limited to 35 m/ph and you sped by at 50!
- Yes…
- Good, well how about I give you a slap on the buttocks for each mile in excess, what would you say to that then?
- I was doing 70!
A police officer on night patrols goes to a well-known place known as the “carpark”. He sees a couple in a stationery car with a lit interior light. He approaches the car and sees a young man sitting at the wheel reading a magazine on data processing and a young woman sitting on the back seat knitting.
Curious about this funny situation, he approaches nearer and knocks on the glass. The young man lowers his window….
- Yes, how can I help officer?
- What are you going here?
- Me… I’m reading a magazine!
The officer then points towards the young girl….
- And what about her, what is she making?
The young man shrugs his shoulders,
- Not sure, but I believe she’s knitting a pullover!
The police officer is completely confused. A young couple alone in a car late at night… and it does not occur to them to do anything immoral!
- How old are you, young man?
- I am 22 years old.
- And her, how old is she?
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
- She will be 18 years old in twenty minutes.
A police officer stops a voluptuous motorist:
- You know that speed is limited to 35 m/ph and you sped by at 50!
- Yes…
- Good, well how about I give you a slap on the buttocks for each mile in excess, what would you say to that then?
- I was doing 70!
A police officer on night patrols goes to a well-known place known as the “carpark”. He sees a couple in a stationery car with a lit interior light. He approaches the car and sees a young man sitting at the wheel reading a magazine on data processing and a young woman sitting on the back seat knitting.
Curious about this funny situation, he approaches nearer and knocks on the glass. The young man lowers his window….
- Yes, how can I help officer?
- What are you going here?
- Me… I’m reading a magazine!
The officer then points towards the young girl….
- And what about her, what is she making?
The young man shrugs his shoulders,
- Not sure, but I believe she’s knitting a pullover!
The police officer is completely confused. A young couple alone in a car late at night… and it does not occur to them to do anything immoral!
- How old are you, young man?
- I am 22 years old.
- And her, how old is she?
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
- She will be 18 years old in twenty minutes.
Jamie Lynn, the little sister of Britney Spears is pregnant - Video exclusive
The video which made my day. Here!!! Adorable.
There is nothing Photoshop can’t correct!
With Photoshop it is possible to even correct the mistakes of interpretation…
Microsoft proves hell really exists...
How Mr. Vista remains cool in front of this obvious manifestation of the existence of Satan!!!
For those in uniform...
A soldier is in full camouflage in the forest. This soldier who had disguised himself as a tree trunk, suddenly gave up his post at one crucial moment of the operations. The sergeant in charge of the operation asked him why he left his station:
- Putting all else aside. You realize that you endangered not only your own life but also the lives of your entire platoon. During the combat, the enemy discovered us all because of your fault! Do you have any explanation for your actions?
- Yes sergeant: As much as I did not move even an inch when a couple of pigeons took me for a target. As much as I did not say anything and I remained motionless when I saw a snake crawling over my feet… But when these two squirrels returned in my trousers and that I heard one of them say: “Let us eat one immediately and keep the other for winter”, I cracked…
A radar officer standing under a bridge flashes a motorist at 90m/ph. A little further he is stopped by a fellow officer who points out the traffic regulations:
- “You know that there is a speed limit of 70m/ph on this section of motorway. However, you went by at 90. Come over here & make a statement.”.
The usual questions, surname, first names, driving license, etc follow.
With profession the man answers:
- “My job? I work in the medical field, I am a manipulator of assholes.”
The officer looks at him with big eyes:
- “And that consists of what?”
- “Err, well people call me and they say to me that they would like to have a broader asshole. You know, but for more than twenty years, men and women have been in search of greater gratification on a sexual level. They do not want to use any more products or other substances like aphrodisiacs. They want something more natural and so we help prepare natural openings. Moreover a survey even showed that normal men use these practices with their wives. When I arrive and I start with a finger, two fingers, all the hand, the two hands, then the arm. And then I pull as hard as I can and usually employ the use of some specially created forceps which I continue to use until I finally stop when I obtain a huge asshole of 1m 75.”
The officer’s face is blank, as if he is trying to imagine the scene mentally. Then he comes around & responds.
- “And what does one do with an asshole of 1.75m????”
And the motorist says to him with a grimace:
- “In general he is given a radar and then told to go & stand under a bridge!!!”
Three American generals return home from the war in Vietnam to take their retirement in the USA.
Their states of service are exceptional.
Also the army decides to grant to them an additional premium for their service.
The Minister for Defense meets the three generals and makes this offer:
“You can choose any distance between two points of your body. We will multiply the length in centimeters by a thousand and that will be your gold mine for the retirement. ”
The first: measure for me the top of my head to my toes.
The military doctor carries out the man’s wishes and the general leaves for his retirement with $180,000.
The second: I’ll raise my arms in the air and you measure me from my nails to my toes.
The doctor smiles. This general is definitely quite magnificent.
He sets out again with $230,000. The third: measure on me the end of my cock to my testicles.
The doctor is surprised by thinking that he will set out with only $5,000.
He takes his meter, positions it on the end of the penis: But where are your testicles gone?
- They remained in Vietnam!
- Putting all else aside. You realize that you endangered not only your own life but also the lives of your entire platoon. During the combat, the enemy discovered us all because of your fault! Do you have any explanation for your actions?
- Yes sergeant: As much as I did not move even an inch when a couple of pigeons took me for a target. As much as I did not say anything and I remained motionless when I saw a snake crawling over my feet… But when these two squirrels returned in my trousers and that I heard one of them say: “Let us eat one immediately and keep the other for winter”, I cracked…
A radar officer standing under a bridge flashes a motorist at 90m/ph. A little further he is stopped by a fellow officer who points out the traffic regulations:
- “You know that there is a speed limit of 70m/ph on this section of motorway. However, you went by at 90. Come over here & make a statement.”.
The usual questions, surname, first names, driving license, etc follow.
With profession the man answers:
- “My job? I work in the medical field, I am a manipulator of assholes.”
The officer looks at him with big eyes:
- “And that consists of what?”
- “Err, well people call me and they say to me that they would like to have a broader asshole. You know, but for more than twenty years, men and women have been in search of greater gratification on a sexual level. They do not want to use any more products or other substances like aphrodisiacs. They want something more natural and so we help prepare natural openings. Moreover a survey even showed that normal men use these practices with their wives. When I arrive and I start with a finger, two fingers, all the hand, the two hands, then the arm. And then I pull as hard as I can and usually employ the use of some specially created forceps which I continue to use until I finally stop when I obtain a huge asshole of 1m 75.”
The officer’s face is blank, as if he is trying to imagine the scene mentally. Then he comes around & responds.
- “And what does one do with an asshole of 1.75m????”
And the motorist says to him with a grimace:
- “In general he is given a radar and then told to go & stand under a bridge!!!”
Three American generals return home from the war in Vietnam to take their retirement in the USA.
Their states of service are exceptional.
Also the army decides to grant to them an additional premium for their service.
The Minister for Defense meets the three generals and makes this offer:
“You can choose any distance between two points of your body. We will multiply the length in centimeters by a thousand and that will be your gold mine for the retirement. ”
The first: measure for me the top of my head to my toes.
The military doctor carries out the man’s wishes and the general leaves for his retirement with $180,000.
The second: I’ll raise my arms in the air and you measure me from my nails to my toes.
The doctor smiles. This general is definitely quite magnificent.
He sets out again with $230,000. The third: measure on me the end of my cock to my testicles.
The doctor is surprised by thinking that he will set out with only $5,000.
He takes his meter, positions it on the end of the penis: But where are your testicles gone?
- They remained in Vietnam!
Adriana Lima - Compilation - sexiest of the Angels of Victoria Secrets
Who else has the body of goddess Adriana Lima?
...answers on a postcard please
...answers on a postcard please
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Some Black Humor
What has four legs and an arm?
- A pitbull in a kindergarten.
A moderate Taliban is a Taliban who continues to put his wife in the trunk of the car but who removes the spare wheel so that there is more room.
In a hotel, in France, a French tourist has his breakfast quietly: coffee, croissant, butter and jam. An American tourist sits opposite him chewing his chewing gum. The Frenchman is unaware of him, but the American starts a conversation:
The American: “You French, you always eat bread?”
The French (in a bad mood): “Yes.”
The American (after having made a large bubble with his chewing gum):
“In America, we only eat the interior. The crust, we put in containers, it gets recycled into croissants and we sell them to the French.”
The American has a small grin on his face, the Frenchman continues to listen in silence.
The American continues: “You eat jam with the bread?”
The Frenchman: “Yes.”
- American (a large bubble bursts on his face and he skillfully draws the gum back into his mouth and continues to chew): “With us, no, in America, we eat fresh fruits with our breakfast. And we put the peels, the pips and the remainders in containers, we recycle them by making jam and we sell it to the French.”
The Frenchman then asks: “Do you make love in America?”
The American: “Yes of course, very often” he says with a broad smile.
The Frenchman: “And what do you do with the used condoms?”
The American: “Well like everyone, we throw them.”
- The Frenchman: “Once we finish with ours, we recycle them in containers, then we make chewing gum and sell it to the Americans…”
- A pitbull in a kindergarten.
A moderate Taliban is a Taliban who continues to put his wife in the trunk of the car but who removes the spare wheel so that there is more room.
In a hotel, in France, a French tourist has his breakfast quietly: coffee, croissant, butter and jam. An American tourist sits opposite him chewing his chewing gum. The Frenchman is unaware of him, but the American starts a conversation:
The American: “You French, you always eat bread?”
The French (in a bad mood): “Yes.”
The American (after having made a large bubble with his chewing gum):
“In America, we only eat the interior. The crust, we put in containers, it gets recycled into croissants and we sell them to the French.”
The American has a small grin on his face, the Frenchman continues to listen in silence.
The American continues: “You eat jam with the bread?”
The Frenchman: “Yes.”
- American (a large bubble bursts on his face and he skillfully draws the gum back into his mouth and continues to chew): “With us, no, in America, we eat fresh fruits with our breakfast. And we put the peels, the pips and the remainders in containers, we recycle them by making jam and we sell it to the French.”
The Frenchman then asks: “Do you make love in America?”
The American: “Yes of course, very often” he says with a broad smile.
The Frenchman: “And what do you do with the used condoms?”
The American: “Well like everyone, we throw them.”
- The Frenchman: “Once we finish with ours, we recycle them in containers, then we make chewing gum and sell it to the Americans…”
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Bruno face to face with Eminem
Well... this was obviously a stunt & I think Eminem was possibly in on this, but either way, this was funny as hell.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Compilation of the nasty tricks people do to their “friends”
This compilation is simply quite enormous! Certain photographs are well known, but the majority I had never seen. Here thus is a compilation of the worst tricks people have perpetrated on others.
Which none will win the prize?
Which none will win the prize?
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