A soldier is in full camouflage in the forest. This soldier who had disguised himself as a tree trunk, suddenly gave up his post at one crucial moment of the operations. The sergeant in charge of the operation asked him why he left his station:
- Putting all else aside. You realize that you endangered not only your own life but also the lives of your entire platoon. During the combat, the enemy discovered us all because of your fault! Do you have any explanation for your actions?
- Yes sergeant: As much as I did not move even an inch when a couple of pigeons took me for a target. As much as I did not say anything and I remained motionless when I saw a snake crawling over my feet… But when these two squirrels returned in my trousers and that I heard one of them say: “Let us eat one immediately and keep the other for winter”, I cracked…
A radar officer standing under a bridge flashes a motorist at 90m/ph. A little further he is stopped by a fellow officer who points out the traffic regulations:
- “You know that there is a speed limit of 70m/ph on this section of motorway. However, you went by at 90. Come over here & make a statement.”.
The usual questions, surname, first names, driving license, etc follow.
With profession the man answers:
- “My job? I work in the medical field, I am a manipulator of assholes.”
The officer looks at him with big eyes:
- “And that consists of what?”
- “Err, well people call me and they say to me that they would like to have a broader asshole. You know, but for more than twenty years, men and women have been in search of greater gratification on a sexual level. They do not want to use any more products or other substances like aphrodisiacs. They want something more natural and so we help prepare natural openings. Moreover a survey even showed that normal men use these practices with their wives. When I arrive and I start with a finger, two fingers, all the hand, the two hands, then the arm. And then I pull as hard as I can and usually employ the use of some specially created forceps which I continue to use until I finally stop when I obtain a huge asshole of 1m 75.”
The officer’s face is blank, as if he is trying to imagine the scene mentally. Then he comes around & responds.
- “And what does one do with an asshole of 1.75m????”
And the motorist says to him with a grimace:
- “In general he is given a radar and then told to go & stand under a bridge!!!”
Three American generals return home from the war in Vietnam to take their retirement in the USA.
Their states of service are exceptional.
Also the army decides to grant to them an additional premium for their service.
The Minister for Defense meets the three generals and makes this offer:
“You can choose any distance between two points of your body. We will multiply the length in centimeters by a thousand and that will be your gold mine for the retirement. ”
The first: measure for me the top of my head to my toes.
The military doctor carries out the man’s wishes and the general leaves for his retirement with $180,000.
The second: I’ll raise my arms in the air and you measure me from my nails to my toes.
The doctor smiles. This general is definitely quite magnificent.
He sets out again with $230,000. The third: measure on me the end of my cock to my testicles.
The doctor is surprised by thinking that he will set out with only $5,000.
He takes his meter, positions it on the end of the penis: But where are your testicles gone?
- They remained in Vietnam!
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